to the joys

life changes so quickly, one moment things seem good, the next things can be in tatters,

while i still seem to have everything i need for survival a big part of me has recently died,



i see this as a scary thing, waiting for the tests to find out if i  have EDS,

decides whether i have kiddies etc,
which kinda scares me and makes me sad, anyways its the thing killing me on the inside, i have a MAJOR maternal instinct and im very motherly so that kinda fucks things up....




anyways to a brighter subject im looking forward to seeing mummy in a week :) its gonna be great and im suprising her at the airport :D its gonna be so good



she will be soooo suprised
toodaloo
ttys xx

Questioning my ideals and values it's unusual there are no real answers or ways to figure it all out. Trying to figure out my identity alone is fricken painful..... Who I am and where I fit in is just unusual... I know where I want to go and what my goal is, why can't that be who I am?!?! Personally I want to be in India right about now.... Time for a swim and a bit of serious contemplation....

reminiscing...

or at least i think thats how its spelt... who knows reallly..
subway cookies or even subway in it self reminds me of jed and our relationship. however long ago it was i am still trying to get over it.... the great thing is i no longer have the fear of seeing him on the street or something like that. i now just have the unwaving belief that i will one day bump into him again. i must add here i have a crazy imagination.... i believed it was he who gave me flowers for my birthday when it was actually my friend..... so i conjure these stupid ideas up in my head about how i wish things would go, i kinds think im like J.D from scrubs in that way.... although when my ideas dont work out my reaction is a little bit more over the top and i end up normally devestated. thinking he might ever actually come back into my life kind of stirs me on... i know in some ways it will never happen, but those stupid hollywood movies where everything works out alright honestly corrupt and ruin my life... i know i have as much chance with jed as i do with marrying a prince but i cant help but dream. my life is about as interesting as a pineapple... although they are lovely.

i cant tell if there is a god, or anything. id honestly like it if there was but i keep trying to talk to him or her and it never seems to work out for me.... i catn figure out who i am, if life was a movie id be jetting off on a plane to see the world and figure it out but this is just my life it aint that exciting. its not going to end up being a book and omg its never going to end up like a hollywood movie. my life just is. which is half my problem. if i have to stick around amd be a boring mofo i want to spend my life making and decorating cakes.... but if i could really do anything i wanted and i actually had the money, i would fly off to india.....

see i want to help and i know volunteer work makes me feel good, part of my reason but i honestly think i could help.... i have this crazy wack idea but unfortunately i dont have thousands or millions of dollars laying around so i can go and do what i really really want to do. it seems like my calling in life. if only it was abit easeier to achieve....... i need money for one and that kinda requires a job..,... i seriously neeed to get a job..... urgh... why couldnt it be easier to help save the world?

ok so ive missed a couple of days but ive been a busy little bee..... i have a seriously screwed up version of identity at the moment. i realllly just wish i could decide who i want to be!!!!!! part of me wants to be the middle class conservative like the rest of dads family, part of me wants to be the hippy crazy kinda chick like my mums family :/ arghhhhh anyway im completely shattered......  night world...........................

blog 3

my list of regrets may seem short but if i put down all the things i wanted to, i think it would all be silly little things that ended up adding up to the way i am now.
my relationship with jed was one major disaster from start to finish. i made a highschool crush into my first love and ultimately made it almost impossible to get over him....
there were soo many problems with our relationship, from the most basic things like his obsession with bodybuilding- that grossed me out, it was practically an eating disorder waiting to happen, to the fact that he and i wanted completely different things in life. i think i may have loved him a bit but i ruined any real chance of a meaningful long term relationship by throwing the whole "i love you" out there wayyyy to soon....
i ruined that relationship from the beginning. it ended within a year and its taken a year and a half and im still getting over it... i need that next amazing "love" to help me move on now, those stupid highschool relationships that meant nothing did nothing to help me move on...

the list... of regrets to date

1. i hadnt wasted so much of my life fighting with mum
2. that id saved more of my childhood savings...
3. that i hadnt dated so many guys
4. that the inexcusable events of the 30th of october 2008 never happened
5. that i told jed i loved him so soon
6. that i broke up with jed in such a bad way
7. that i hadnt spent all of 2010 moping about the end of my relationship wiht jed
8. not making the most of life
9. wasting too much time thinking about jed.... yeh i know reoccuring theme... its something im trying to deal with!
10. that id been more honest and trustworthy

blog 1

i know... the title its soo dramatic, original, ingenious. no one would have ever thought of such an amazing title.  but enough about the title... jeeze the blogs about ME :D

im 18 going on 27. or at least i wish i was 27. i live in victoria but my hometown is perth. im about to start a bachelor of arts degree but im thinking i made the wrong choice....

ive got dysthymia, a mild hard to get rid of form of depressiion... fun right :)

i cant help but wish so many things in life went differently. honestly my list of regrets is growing.... hmmm maybe that should be my next blog.
being currently unemployed and uni having not yet started im seriously short of fun things to do, i was gonna rwrite in a diary but this seemed like more fun. maybe if im lucky soemone will read it. otherwise ill write til the cows come home. this will end up being a very rant like blog so if your bored ill pretend i care but honestly im a little too self absorbed to care. plus im not sure im awake so if tomorrow its still here i might believe im awake.....

i am a tad lonely a lot bored and very tired. a succesful evenign i am sure. night world... hope your listening ha good joke right :D