reminiscing...

or at least i think thats how its spelt... who knows reallly..
subway cookies or even subway in it self reminds me of jed and our relationship. however long ago it was i am still trying to get over it.... the great thing is i no longer have the fear of seeing him on the street or something like that. i now just have the unwaving belief that i will one day bump into him again. i must add here i have a crazy imagination.... i believed it was he who gave me flowers for my birthday when it was actually my friend..... so i conjure these stupid ideas up in my head about how i wish things would go, i kinds think im like J.D from scrubs in that way.... although when my ideas dont work out my reaction is a little bit more over the top and i end up normally devestated. thinking he might ever actually come back into my life kind of stirs me on... i know in some ways it will never happen, but those stupid hollywood movies where everything works out alright honestly corrupt and ruin my life... i know i have as much chance with jed as i do with marrying a prince but i cant help but dream. my life is about as interesting as a pineapple... although they are lovely.

i cant tell if there is a god, or anything. id honestly like it if there was but i keep trying to talk to him or her and it never seems to work out for me.... i catn figure out who i am, if life was a movie id be jetting off on a plane to see the world and figure it out but this is just my life it aint that exciting. its not going to end up being a book and omg its never going to end up like a hollywood movie. my life just is. which is half my problem. if i have to stick around amd be a boring mofo i want to spend my life making and decorating cakes.... but if i could really do anything i wanted and i actually had the money, i would fly off to india.....

see i want to help and i know volunteer work makes me feel good, part of my reason but i honestly think i could help.... i have this crazy wack idea but unfortunately i dont have thousands or millions of dollars laying around so i can go and do what i really really want to do. it seems like my calling in life. if only it was abit easeier to achieve....... i need money for one and that kinda requires a job..,... i seriously neeed to get a job..... urgh... why couldnt it be easier to help save the world?